Tuesday, February 5, 2013

How To Write About America

In English, we read an article that talked about How to Write About Africa. It talked about the stereotypes in Africa, and how everyone saw the country as being poor and just... doomed.  We had to write something similar about our own country, so I wrote mine on America. No harm or offense was intended!

There is no question as to what kinds of words are compulsory when giving an accurate and detailed account of America. When describing America, it is essential to add in the words 'Republican', 'Gun', and 'Fat (Obese if you'd like) at least once in every paragraph. Other useful words and phrases include 'President', 'Cowboy', 'Burger', 'Cheap', 'Fast Food', and 'One-of-the-only-places-in-the-world-that-doesn't-use-the-metric-system'. Note that when they mention the word 'people', they mean whites AND blacks. However, if they say 'Black' people, they're referring to niggas.

If you ever decide to put a picture on your cover, opt for the one with the burger. Never choose one that has a flag, star, state, or anything that even remotely reminds you of America; after all, nothing else matters once they've walked through the doors of their favorite steak house- which by the way, they can find every two blocks from the nearest Pizza Hut. Luckily for them, their house is just down the road. Don't worry, it's only a one minute drive.

Now when you write about America, you can easily ignore the fact that it's divided into fifty different states; it's much simpler think of them as one, big, messed up country that'll sink in a few decades from the amount of sheer pressure caused by all those sagging stomachs. Don't think make things hard for your reader; just stick to the basics. Mention the pinnacles, such as their bad economy or willingness to aid countries in need. You can even throw in a few fun facts; a popular one would be the cowboys in Texas. Ignore all reasoning- why wouldn't cowboys and wagons still be around? Summaries are practically a god send to slow readers and intriguing facts even more so, to keep their attention. A good conclusion will mention their rivalry with England, their hate for Iraq, and their love for skin tight jeans which may or may not rip all the way down the next time they even so much as try to tie their shoelaces.

Okay, the next step is a toughie so get ready. Stay strong, for the creation of American characters is no easy task. They may include and should not be limited to diabetics, donut loving policemen, pregnant celebrities, baseball fans, geeks, and fat people. Especially fat people. The world just loves it's fat Americans. Don't worry; as long as one of your characters has multiple chins, your audience will be pleased with the outcome. With the right amount of patience, love, and care, your American should hopefully turn out to be dumb, ignorant, gullible, obese, and clueless as to anything happening outside of the States.

An American girl should be a hot, blond, chick with a nasally tone. Lots of tongue clicking, gum chewing, eye rolling, cliques, and synchronization should then follow. If possible, she is the narcissistic leader of the cheerleading squad, and dominates the student body along with her jock boyfriend and his gang. If it's a boy, it is important that you mention 'American football' (not to be confused with plain old football), 'baseball', and 'moronic'. The average American boy does not communicate through words; rather, they use a series of unintelligible bleats and croaks. Grunting is good. It signifies thinking, regardless of how much is accomplished. At this point, there's probably no need to mention that an American holds the second highest IQ in the world.

Amongst your characters, there must be at least one that shares similarities or if not includes a pot bellied police officer- one who enjoys his donuts and coffee a little too much, and eats them everyday during his morning or break. A truck driver would need to be some form of hairy mutant, someone who wears a greasy, stained undershirt and has a bad habit of letting his elbow hang out of the rolled down window, thus the reason for the weird tan on his arm. He needs to be scowling and muttering, always changing radio stations and belching with every bump of the road. Your delinquent on the other hand, needs to hide in the shadows of an alley with their gang, wearing hoodies and 'testing' out various drugs. He (or she) uses lots of slang, does graffiti, and ditches school before it's started. Otherwise, they're sleeping in class and are essentially pissing their teachers off.

Last but not least, you can never forget about "Freedom of Speech". Yes. Without mentioning the freedom of speech in America, your story will be incomplete. Everyone can vote, and everyone is free to express their opinions. If they wanted, they could swear at the president (consequences be damned!). Elections, votes, Democrats, Republicans, and political wars are constantly occurring in this happy-go-lucky land of opportunity. But let's say you don't know much, or anything at all about these things; in that case, just simply mention one of the many mistakes that the current president has made, and that should be enough to satisfy your readers.

With this, your story about America is complete. I wish you luck!

1 comment:

  1. This is hurting me at how good it is. The sad thing is, all the books based in the US have at least 2 of the character types you've mentioned. States are never mentioned, unless the character lives in NYC (even then, they never say the *state* of New York). So I congratulate you good lady for your well put together story. :)